Blackjack Rules

This is the first post in the Nairobi Casino Adventures stream.

  1. Blackjack is not a social exercise. Blackjack is not a hobby. Blackjack is work that should be taken seriously at all times.
  1. Never offer advice or assistance to another player at the table. No matter how bad that person might be.
  1. Avoid playing with people who don’t know the basic system and have no allegiance to the principle of us against the casino. If the player is playing selfishly, cash out and begin floating malicious advice. “What are you doing? You always split tens!” “Hit those soft nineteens.” When he loses all his money, buy back in and double your bets.
  1. Cash-out if a stranger or friend attempts to buy-in mid-shoe. It doesn’t matter if he is your best friend since you were five. See #1 if you are feeling offended or confused.
  1. Generate small talk with all dealers and pit bosses. The quality of your rapport with casino personnel has impact on the quality of your cuts.
  1. If you lose all your money, resist the temptation to buy back in. Just when you are convinced that things can’t get worse, they get much worse.
  1. If Big, Bad Voodoo Daddy voices his conviction that “the cards are fucked,” quit immediately. Surrender all your bets on the table. You are going to lose them anyway, so you might as well start recovering your losses. When B.B.V.D. says the cards are fucked, the cards are fucked!
  1. If #7 is the case, take advantage of as many comps as possible. Drink copious quantities of booze, gobble food, leer at cocktail waitresses… Whatever you do, Do not buy back in!
  1. Once again, if #7 is true, meander over to the roulette tables and place a series of absurd wagers. For example, after losing at blackjack for the last hour, throw down a hefty bet on 21. Use cash not chips. Remember: If the cards are fucked, the chips probably are too. If you should happen to lose at roulette, hit the 5-schilling slots and continue following #8.
  1. Lastly, if you have followed these rules, don’t be surprised when you walk out of the casino slightly up, drunk, stuffed, and bragging about the hot Bulgarian chick you’re meeting at a club later.